I spend a lot of time on buses and trains. I’m always moving from one place to another, always on my way. This leaves a lot of time for self-reflection, for introspection, but also for discovery. As was I navigating the world around me, and the world inside me, I thought about all the others around me that were doing the same, and I wanted to know more – I had to know more. So, I put myself on a little project. I was going to talk to these people, and find out what they knew about life.
For situational and cultural context, this project took place on the S-train in Copenhagen, Denmark. From my experience, the stereotype that Danes are more reserved seems true, but perhaps especially so when their commute is interrupted by a solely English-speaking stranger. I was, after all, interrupting their peaceful ride, and maybe for some people, interrupting the only moments of solitude in their day. I was poking into their bubble, and it wasn’t always pleasant. Each time, as I began speaking, I could see in their eyes the way they were considering my motives, judging me to see if I was some potential danger. There I was with my backpack, blonde hair pulled back, usually coming from practice, sometimes carrying avocados or bananas because I had stopped at the store and they wouldn’t fit in my bag. Now I know avocado girl doesn’t scream threatening, but I wasn’t in their shoes – I just wanted to be for a minute or two.
Some days were good. Really good. I got lucky, I talked to some awesome people and had some great conversations. Some were quiet, but inspiring. Sometimes, I’d speak to someone who seemed super apprehensive throughout our entire conversation, but they still had something good to share. That’s the thing, anytime I could engage someone to participate, even half-heartedly, it became an accomplishment in and of itself. The more casually and freely I approached the conversation, the more willing people would be to offer more; more words, more wisdom, more time.
But those were the good days. There were many bad ones, and unsurprisingly, this is where I found much of the noteworthy growth lies.
If you think you handle rejection well, you’re probably wrong. I experienced a lot of rejection. A lot. Some days, I would try to talk to someone, but they wouldn’t speak enough English, and the conversation would fizzle quickly. Trust me when I say this is the best rejection outcome. This was easy to handle.
Some people though, lacked a certain tact. I had palms thrust in my face, or was pushed to the side as they tried to exit my presence. I had a few people “outwait me.” Essentially, they would entertain me, say something to please me like, “Oh that’s a tough question, give me a minute to think…” and then not say another word until they got off the train at their stop. I think this was just their way of declining to participate without actually having to say no. I can understand this, learning to say no is something I’ve had to work on myself.
I had one woman seem pleased to speak to me at first (probably willing to help me with directions), but the more I spoke, the more her facial expression changed. She sat back, looked away, and shook her head at me in disgrace. She wore a look of disgust that burned into my soul. She never said another word and refused to acknowledge that I was sitting in front of her still speaking. I trailed off, barely finishing the conversation I was now having with myself. I had to move train cars because the awkwardness was so excruciating, not to mention I was mortified and in shock at her discourtesy.
This was bad, but it wasn’t the worst…
Do you know how horrible it feels to talk to someone and offer suggestions for them to speak about anything in life, perhaps things such as love or happiness… and have them respond with, “His mother is in the hospital, so we are not feeling very happy right now.” Yes, that happened.
Okay, so there’s an important lesson – be kind, be courteous. Always. You never know what other people are going through.
Amidst all these rejections, especially if I had too many brutal ones in a row, I would begin to get embarrassed by myself. With each rejection, it took longer to build up the courage to talk to someone new. It certainly helps to have friends that can make you laugh when you text them to tell them you’ve just been shut down again. It helps to have friends that will tell you to keep going, friends that will be your number one fan when everyone on the train just wants you to go away (shout-out to those friends).
OK. So, what did I learn?
Aside from all the advice? I learned never to predetermine the way you think a certain person might respond. Like the famous phrase, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” you never know who will surprise you in the best way.
I learned that there is always someone nice, whether you have to get pushed around first to get to them, or move through 3 train cars just to find them, that one person really can make it all better. They can make you forget the brutal rejection. They can help you bounce back.
I learned never to bother with people who’ve had a bit too much to drink – it’s just asking for trouble or inappropriate responses. And while you’re at it, don’t bother if the person who’s had too much to drink is you – your notes will be incomprehensible (no shout-out to the friends who thought this would be a good idea).
I learned that despite their reserved nature, not all Danes want nothing to do with strangers. Therefore, with every stereotype, there is the exception.
I learned that it is up to me to strap the boots back on and try again, that if I let one rejection discourage me, I’d never feel the good again. I changed my own fate by choosing to talk to someone new.
I learned getting out of your comfort zone is good. It’s thrilling, and it’s terrifying, but it led me to some awesome conversations. Sometimes, the advice people gave would end up being exactly what I needed to hear in my own life. Sometimes, someone would say something that I had just been talking to a friend about, something I was struggling to give myself advice for. Some days were truly magic.
In the end, life is simple, the advice we need is simple. There is no grand secret formula for how to live a good life.
I learned that much of the time, everyone was giving themselves advice, whether they realized it or not. I saw the man who gave relationship advice, sit and smile warmly at his partner as he spoke with me. I watched the girl who gave me advice about anxiety, holding her own hands tightly, trying to calm her nerves. I learned the advice we truly need, is almost always inside of us.
People’s honesty and willingness to open up continued to amaze and inspire me, and it’s what kept me going day after day. I will never ride a train the same way again.
So, without further ado, here is some of the most noteworthy advice I was given while riding the S-train:
“If you want to succeed at something, you have to believe in yourself. Because if you don’t believe in yourself, then why would anyone else?” – Mikkel, 25
“Be kind to one another. If you give love to people, you will get it back. I have been studying psychology all my life and I see it all the time. I see it especially in my grandchildren; if you are sweet to them, they will be sweet back. If you are sweet to them, they will be more likely to do what you need them to do. So, give love, be kind.” – Hanne, 69
“Actions speak louder than words. Simple, but true.” – Andrea, 23
“Spend your money on experiences not things. Travel makes you richer even if your bank account doesn’t say so.” – Linette, 20
“It doesn’t matter how many times you have an argument with your spouse or partner or girlfriend or wife or whoever, the important thing is how you move past that argument in a constructive manner. It would be cliché to say communication is key, but it is so important. And what is just as important, is when you’ve had an argument, try not to hold a grudge. Try to see things in a bigger perspective. Sometimes it can be the most trivial things you argue about; who drank the last milk or whatever… but when you see things in a bigger perspective, you are able to see what’s really important. So, communicate to the best of your ability and don’t hold a grudge. You are always going to get into arguments, the important thing is how you move past it.” – Philipe, 28
“My father said to me 42 years ago, ‘Take the job,’ and I still work there today. I have been at the same workplace for 42 years. Stick with things. Stay at the work you like. I have a good job, I like it very much. If you are happy where you are, stay. Don’t always go searching for something better… and plus, I got my pension in two years!” – Fleming, 61
“Not very long ago, I went travelling for half a year. I think I discovered that you can’t change yourself just by moving away or escaping. The changes come when you work on it yourself.” – Rebecca, 21
“Do what you’re interested in and not what you feel you are obliged to do. Don’t just do something because you feel like you must.” – Marcus, 20
“I’m having some trouble right now, so I’m just taking things as they come. I have some anxiety. The only thing I can do right now is take it as it comes. Appreciate the little things. That’s what I’m doing right now – trying to do right now actually, before you talked to me. There’s things you can choose to do differently and only so many things you can control. I’m only 19, I’m part-time working. I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m not doing high school or anything, but I know there is something I like. I like makeup, and that’s where I’m going right now – to work. I know it’s not a full-time education, but that’s what I like and what I’m trying to do. See the time as it comes, deal with it as it comes.” – Stephanie, 19
“I’m a person who very much gets into details. I am always focusing on details or overthinking. Wondering what body language means, watching what people are doing, how they are acting. I’m hyperaware. So, I have been saying to myself, ‘Every sadness and every happiness, lies in the details.’ I tell myself this because I can use this to help me. Since I am always focusing on everything, my brain never relaxes, but I can use my knowledge of this to choose to either focus on the sad things, or focus on the things that make me feel good.
I try to be aware of the thoughts I have, where they come from, and where they bring me. If I choose to ignore the bad things completely, I could possibly ignore the good things too. So instead I want to work with them and incorporate them and understand when and why they come, and what I can do with them.” – Mohamed, 22“Just calm down. I can get very passionate about things. I guess I just mean, you don’t have to overthink too much. I ask myself, will this matter in a year?” – Asla, 22
“Don’t take work too seriously. Enjoy your spare time. I think you become happier in the end when you know how to enjoy the time you have away from work. I think I realized it just as time went on working. I appreciate spare time so much more. And I think you become too stressed by work if you spend too much time only focusing on that.” – Anna, 25
“Finish your studies. Get it over with. I’m an engineer. Studied a lot. You get way more experience in the field than you do on the bench. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have to finish. Finish first, and then enjoy life. You can still take trips and stuff afterward.” – Morten, 30
“I tell myself that at the end of the day, when everything is said and done, and you’re in your bed, the only thing that really matters is how you feel. If you feel bad, that’s an indicator you need to fix or correct something that maybe you did today or yesterday. It’s a true guideline of how you manoeuvre in life, and being able to have that inward look at yourself, without any kind of smokescreen, is important. Not thinking you feel, or should feel, a certain way, but then not really feeling it. To be introspective, it’s a much better way to be. As a main rule, I think, when you are able to identify how you feel, it speaks to you and it tells you what needs to be done, if anything. You never hear about anyone seeking a therapist because they are doing so well… so I think it’s important if you are able to identify those things in your own life, that not only make you feel bad, but feel good, then you can live the way you want to. It’s good to reflect on the good things too and why they are as they are.” – Jon, 40
“You can be who and whatever you want to be. I’m an astronaut on Facebook. I’m free, you’re free. I’m free and I enjoy ladies and beer. I chop trees. I have good boots for mountains and working. Be free. What you do in life, you get it back. Sometimes you have to give, give, give. That’s OK. Sometimes you give something and you get it five times back. Life doesn’t work equally all the time, but don’t let that stop you.” – John, 35
“A good friend told me a few years ago, spend some time alone and figure out what you want out of life instead of trying to force things. I was surprised by this actually. In relationships, I always tend to end up in a passive role. After being alone for a while, it allowed me to figure out who I am, what I want.” – David, 31
“I think the first thing that comes to mind is be yourself. Even if you’re a bit of a brat? Even if you’re too proud? Be yourself. It’s something that’s very important to me. I’ve always been a bit of an outsider, but I’ve always enjoyed being myself in spite of that. If you are honest to who you truly are, the right people will come. And like my mother always says, go for your dreams.” – Julius, 26
“Be open-minded. Smile to the world and it will smile back. Try to meet people like you want them to meet you.” – Max, 48
“You know the famous Danish rye bread? My mom used to say, life is too short for a bad rye bread. I actually don’t even like rye bread, but I like the philosophy. Life’s too short for bad food. In general, life’s too short for a lot of things.” – Sissel, 26