I hear myself saying I’m not that naive, saying I’m well aware, but you don’t hear me saying I’m that smart either. Sometimes I get home, close the door behind me and spontaneously combust. I don’t like to say these things out loud.
You’d think patterns would be proof enough. You’d think history would be both a lesson and a teacher. You’d think personal experience is all it takes. “She has to figure it out for herself.” Yes, but what kind of fool wouldn’t have figured it out by now? I can hear you all talking. Don’t think I don’t see what your eyes are saying. You can’t hide your disappointment.
“You’re letting your emotions get in the way.” What if they are the way? What if they are my way?
Blow out all the candles. This is a pipedream on a track to the edge of nowhere. The doomed rock face on the island of your ambiguity. Oh sweet girl, sit on the floor and eat chocolate almonds until you feel sick. It’s okay to give in to temporary if it’s just temporarily. Acknowledge it, and notice when you’ve been giving in for a little longer than you should. It’s okay to get distracted, distractions can be oh so beautiful, but remember that’s all they are – distractions, not places to call home. You must keep moving, home is not here.
I hope my heart wakes up. Somewhere warm. I’m hoping it digs my mind out of the ditch. I’m anticipating the moment I’ll stop slipping down the hill for long enough to catch my footing. I keep holding my arms out like I’m walking blind, feeling for something. My gut is trying to crawl out of the woodwork. I can’t remember when I last had it. I can’t remember when I wasn’t always about to walk into something.
“Keep being patient. It will come.” I never stopped looking for it and maybe that’s what matters. Because my gut appeared as a pair of scissors under leaves of all the falling. Scissors to cut the blindfold off, and all the obstacles that were in my way were in my mind. I wonder why my dog won’t jump the boards in the hall when she could clear them with a foot to spare. I ask myself the same question. Don’t let fear make you forget the length of your legs and the strength of your bound. Jump baby jump. And don’t look so surprised when you make it.
“My skin soft against your rough
Your rough tough against the heart
I am only holding on for love
I can only see your watery eyes in the light
that peaks over my shoulder
We’re not crying but we will be soon
The room is always on fire
but this time it’s burning down
and I have to be the one to go
I’d swallow fire and my pride
For you
But the room is burning down
and I’m not asking you to dance this time
We’ll both make it out
and we’ll be tired and we’ll be happy
lying on the sidewalk outside
We’ll dance when we’ve learned how
and the room will always be burning
But we won’t have to leave”