Forgiveness comes at a point when it’s almost too late but it’s never too late. For me, it was a piece in the puzzle I didn’t know would turn a page. Forgiveness comes in the form of a note and a harsh tone, but some sincerity. It comes from a voice that is making maturity from day old bread, but a voice that is trying. I ate my bread a few months ago, but it’s okay if you’re hungry now. It’s your turn and I will always understand. Everyone moves at different speeds, and even for me, I couldn’t run there fast enough. I couldn’t tip the scale quick enough and I lost some pieces of myself trying. It always felt like I was trudging through mud. Yes, forgiveness is a dish best served with a hug, but in this case, it’s best served when I have a minute to stifle a tear between work emails or when I can pretend I just yawned if anyone asks.
You wouldn’t say his name. But before I criticize, let me reflect on how I often referred to him as the kid – a way of distancing him from the problem. A way of making it less real, more bearable. Maybe his name was everywhere and this was the best way I knew how to reference the lack of responsibility he was taking. I was putting a light spin on it. For you though, I think his name must come with sting. Best not let the wasp loose in the car with the windows up. Right? These are all my best guesses.
You think we’re both good with words, but you don’t see what I see. And it’s the lack of words that I notice most. We don’t work the same way, and we definitely don’t hurt the same way, but we both hurt, I know this.
I know you see her too. Don’t you want to whisper, “That’s how it starts honey, with the music.” It seems so innocent at first, you’re just listening to a song, sharing a playlist, and then suddenly you’re in the maze. Don’t you want to whisper, “Don’t lose yourself.”
I wonder how many metaphors there are for continuously trying to fill something that is determined to be empty? Do you know what it’s like trying to fall asleep feeling like you’re missing the closing parenthesis? What about trying to fall asleep without dreaming of all the notes in the margins you never saw? We’re all missing something. Forgiveness doesn’t have the answers, but it helps us deal with the hurt.